We all have moments of what I would call “Self-Awareness Relapse”. When you fly off the handle and react without thinking and then…regret. Not just “oops I won’t do that again” regret, I am talking about the kind of regret where you keep replaying in your head how you could have done it better. The kind that prevents you from sleeping. 

Well, I had one of those yesterday. You would think I would figure this out by now – certainly at the age of 55 I should have this under control. Yet it still happens – about once a year. This morning, drinking my coffee and deeply regretting my actions, I was reminded of 2 concepts from Alcoholics Anonymous, and like many parts of the program, they are really good LIFE rules for all of us. 

The first is HALT. Before you act or react – ask yourself if you are feeling Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired? Any of those 4 feelings will quickly throw you out of balance and can lead to bad decisions.

The Pandemic has made me feel and experience things I have never felt before – specifically what it is to be lonely and tired. And I feel these things a lot! Yesterday, I also felt hurt, which I like to disguise as anger – it is a form of self-preservation and not wanting to cry at work. I was desperate to make all those feelings go away, just let them out so I would feel better. I reacted, and you know what, I did not feel better, I felt worse. I knew I would, too, but in that all-consuming, un-aware moment, I could not stop. 

Which brings me to Step 9 – take responsibility for your actions. When we do something wrong or hurtful, we have to own it. And so I had to pick up the phone and apologize. 

We are all Human. We all have those moments – even the most self-aware people I know, occasionally “lose it”. True self-awareness is in how you handle the situation after the fact. Making amends is not fun. It is admitting I was wrong to do/say what I did. It is admitting that I was hurt. It is admitting that I am lonely and tired. It is being VULNERABLE. It is the boldest step you can take toward Self Awareness.